There’s something about late nights. Or early mornings, depende kung saan ka mas kalmado. Yung oras na tahimik ang bahay, tahimik ang kalsada, at parang kahit yung puso mo kumakalma sandali. Hindi naman siya magical na biglang mawawala lahat ng problema, pero meron siyang binibigay na pahinga. Even if it’s only for a few minutes.
Most days, I feel like my mind is noisy. Schedules, deadlines, reminders.
“May nakalimutan ba ako?”
“Nasaan na yung file?”
“Did I reply to that email?”
And I know I’m not the only one. Baka ikaw rin.
But there’s this slow hour, usually when everyone’s asleep, when the phone stops buzzing, na biglang may space sa isip.
Space to breathe. Space to remember: “Ay oo nga pala, tao lang din ako.”
Hindi lang student. Hindi lang employee. Hindi lang freelancer. Hindi lang someone’s daughter or friend or worker. Tao lang na pwedeng mapagod, pwedeng tumigil, pwedeng umupo lang at tumitig sa kisame.
Sometimes, in those hours, I write.
Hindi para maging magaling. Hindi para ma-publish. Just to let the thoughts out.
Sometimes nonsense lang: “Pagod na ako.” or “Bakit kaya ganito?” or “Thank you, kahit ganito.”
Other nights, I just drink coffee kahit alam kong mali. Or I sit by the window. Or I listen to an old playlist na nagpapabalik ng memories na masaya, masakit, minsan parehong sabay.
And in those moments, napapansin ko: buhay pa pala ako. Hindi lang basta gumagalaw. Hindi lang basta nagtatrabaho o nag-aaral. Buhay na nararamdaman. May kaba, may saya, may lungkot. At oo, minsan may takot din. Pero buhay pa rin.
Minsan naiisip ko, baka yun talaga yung mahalaga. Hindi yung productivity. Hindi yung result. Pero yung sandaling maramdaman mong buhay ka. Kasi pag nawala yun, parang wala ring saysay kahit gaano ka ka-successful, di ba?
So if you find yourself awake sa ganitong oras, maybe don’t rush to scroll or force yourself to sleep right away. Maybe sit with yourself.
Listen to that small voice na madalas mong ini-ignore buong araw. Maybe write a sentence or two. Kahit “Pagod na ako.” Kahit “Masaya ako.” Kahit wala lang.
Baka doon mo rin maramdaman: hindi ka lang gumagalaw. Buhay ka. At yun lang, minsan, sapat na.